Ok, so I have been pursuing this street piping thing for about eight months now and I have learned alot. Valuable things like, Don't wear only one pair of underwear when the temperature dips down to below freezing. Also, Ive learned that you can't make money when there aren't any people on the streets. So as I prepared to play for the Redneck Comedy tour, I felt fairly confident. After all, these were good ole boys right? I mean, what true backwoods boy doesn't love the pipes? Well I have again been blessed with a new learning experience. Apparently, there are multiple levels of Redneck-ocity. Or as President Bush would say, Redneck-ification.
So, in an ongoing effort to make a public contribution and to edify the general masses I present the Dummy's Guide to Rednecks. If you are a Redneck reading this and some how understand it enough to become offended, then I congratulate you. Ok, so here are my findings presented as the various categories of Rednecks.
1. The Wannabe Redneck - Generally, these are younger people who somehow missed the whole point to being a redneck. They are the ones who walk around in boots that look as if they belonged to Liberace (He's an old entertainer from Las Vegas, google him). They are over the top as far as being obnoxious. I'll give you an example. I began warming up for the end of the show as the mass of humanity would come streaming toward me, and along came three young men. Evidently, they felt my presence offensive because they began talking loudly about how they hated the pipes and bagpipers in general. Then one decided to be brave and came strutting toward me. As he grew closer, he held out what looked like money at first. I was in the middle of playing a tune so he stopped in front of me just holding out this offering. It turned out to be his old ticket stub.
Oh, what a crushing blow! I looked at him and said, "What's that?" He replied, "It's a ticket to the show!" I said, "Wow, Thanks but your about two hours too late. Buzz off!" Then to show my insult had no affect, he slowly walked around me with his gaze fixed on my pipes. I just started laughing. I mean, the scene was so comical I couldn't help it. He walked off like some conquering hero. You see, Wanna Be Rednecks have no clue when they are making themselves look absolutely stupid. Later, as the crowds were coming past, they began yelling obscenities and screaming how stupid I was, as if all the other people would suddenly agree and join in.
Their efforts had the opposite effect. The people flooded to my side in droves to put money in my case. I was actually quite grateful to the fools and I told them so. As they walked by me at the end I shouted, "Hey guys, Thanks for the motivation. If it weren't for you I might not have made half as much out here. Let's do it again sometime!" They simply gave me the California Wave and walked off.
2. The Closet Redneck - These folks are really true Rednecks but they are a wee bit shy. You'll know them because they will be wearing cowboy boots with designer jeans and a tommy Hillfiger shirt. They also have a stylish dew and a businesslike gate. The women dress similar but are given away by their Gucci bag and their bling. I don't mind these folks, heck I say if you cain't beat em, join em. That is the motto of the Closet Redneck.
The folks I met were generally appreciative of the pipes. I do wish some of them were a bit more graced in the social skills. As I was finishing up and walking back to my car, I spotted two couples I had talked with earlier. They were great folks from Wyoming. Imagine, rednecks from Wyoming, That's kind of rare isn't it? Anyway, I thought it might be fun to walk with them and chat a bit, so I hastened my pace. Boy, I wish I hadn't. As I neared the group, I saw one of the women squatting next to a large tree. Evidently, nature was calling and she just couldn't hold it in. I arrived just in time to see two fat cheeks sneaking back into the safety of their restraining underwear.
I tried to act as if I hadn't noticed, but I don't think they cared anyway. These folks definitely belonged at this concert. Well done!
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